


of scars and broken hearts

by kirani



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asian Sirius Black, Background Relationships, Character Death, Desi James Potter, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jewish James Potter, M/M, Mutual Pining, POC Remus Lupin, POV Alternating, POV Multiple, Secrets, Slow Burn, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29323311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirani/pseuds/kirani
Summary: Set in a wizarding world where your soulmate bond exists from birth and you are marked with the same scars as your mate, Sirius Black is only six years old when he discovers his soulmate is a werewolf.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 91
Kudos: 128





	1. Fall 1965

**Author's Note:**

> A million thanks to my beta reader Ais! This is gonna be a long haul so buckle up. This is the same universe as my old drarry soulmate au but they don't really overlap at all so I'm not linking them. It's called Scarhead if you want to go read it.

Remus was afraid. His parents had tried to explain what would happen, but he just didn’t understand. He understood that it was happening because of the wolf-who-was-actually-a-man who had hurt him a few weeks ago. That it would happen tonight and then happen regularly but not every night. That he would be dangerous to his parents during it. That they loved him very much and were very sorry they couldn’t be there for him tonight. 

Well, that’s what his mother had said, over and over. His father had been very quiet as of late. 

And now Remus was locked in the attic of their family home, alone and afraid, his parents downstairs in their room. Silent tears streamed down his face as he held his knees to his chest. 

This wasn’t what magic was supposed to be. Magic was supposed to be exciting and helpful and wonderful, like the things his dad showed him he could do with his wand. A wand always stored out of sight for when their muggle neighbours came round. And so Remus wouldn’t hurt himself with it.

But magic had hurt him anyway. Well, the wolf-man had hurt him using magic anyway. Not only did he have a horrible scar on his side and nightmares about the night the wolf-man had come into his room, but now he was dangerous. 

His dad tip-toed around him like he was afraid of Remus. He looked like he’d been crying sometimes, but when Remus tried to climb into his lap for a cuddle, he’d been rejected. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong, he just wanted his dad back.

Most of what Remus knew about tonight and his new condition, his mum had told him, even though she wasn’t magic like Dad. She tried to explain it simply and Remus knew all the words she used, but he still didn’t understand why it was like this. Had he been bad? No, she assured him he hadn’t, he was a very good boy. Would the wolf-man come back? No, they would not let him near him again, they promised. But he had snuck in before and now Remus was afraid he would do so again and make it even worse. 

But his mum had looked so sad as she comforted him and was trying to explain it so well to him, that he told her he understood even though he didn’t really. How could he? How could he change so fast and be so out of himself that he would be dangerous to them? He would never hurt them on purpose! 

He just wanted a cuddle, he thought to himself again, as the wind blew outside and he pulled his knees tighter to himself. It was frightfully draughty up in the attic but his mum said he wouldn’t need a blanket once he changed. He wanted it now, though. When would it happen? It was starting to get dark. What would it feel like? His mum hadn’t known. 

Remus looked out the window at the branches of his favourite climbing tree and then he felt it. It started as a sharp pain in his back and then spread through his limbs. Remus cried out in pain, his tears stopping suddenly in shock, as he fell back on the floor and wailed. His skin began crawling next, it felt like a scratchy blanket being draped over him as his limbs stretched and his hands ached.

Remus howled.

***

Outside the door, Hope Lupin cried silently behind her hand. She had told Remus that she would be downstairs, but she hadn’t been able to stay further away than the attic door. Her son, her only son, all of five years old, was locked behind this door. He hadn’t stopped crying since she closed the door, and so she had sat on the steps and muffled her own tears, listening for the change.

Suddenly, the quiet tears cut off with a gasp and were replaced in the next break with a wail of pain and Hope choked off a cry of her own. They hadn’t been able to find much on how the transformation would go, but they did think it would hurt him. Even knowing it, she cried harder as her baby was consumed by pain.

A sick kind of relief settled in her stomach, knowing that he was transforming and she hadn’t locked him in an attic for nothing. Still, she’d have rather been wrong than right, would rather her baby didn’t have a lifetime of painful transformations and prejudice. 

The howl startled her, a strange sound to come from a room her son was in, though she had braced for it. Hiding her face in her hands, Hope wept for everything that had changed in just a few shorts weeks. In a single night. 

She wept for having not protected her baby. 

A hand on her knee startled her and she looked up to see Lyall on the steps. His eyes were wet, too, while behind them their son threw himself against the door and scratched at the wood. 

“Come on, love, let’s get you to bed,” her husband pleaded. You can’t help him right now.” 

“I can’t leave him like this,” Hope whispered back. “I can’t, Lyall. He needs me.”

“Hope,” Lyall said, his eyes sad beyond belief. 

“I want to be here when he changes back.”

“We’ll be back the minute he does,” Lyall promised. “Come to bed.”

Finally, she relented and let him pull her up. “Alright. For a bit.”

“Thank you,” Lyall said, leading the way down the stairs.

***

The next morning, Remus awoke to his mother gathering him in her arms and carrying him down the attic stairs. He cuddled closer to her as they walked and she squeezed him gently. She laid him down and tucked him in, but when she tried to leave, Remus grabbed her sleeve and she sat down beside him on the bed. 

“Hello, cariad,” she whispered. “Didn’t know if you were really awake. How are you feeling?”

“I’m tired,” Remus answered. His body hurt as if he’d fallen off the playground, but he was happy to be safe and warm in his bed with his mum again. “Are you okay?”

Tears filled his mum’s eyes and she leaned down to hug him tightly. “I’m okay, baby, don’t you worry about me. That’s my job, okay?”

“Okay, mum,” Remus agreed, holding tight to her.

When she sat up again, her hand still on his arm, she asked, “What do you remember?”

Remus furrowed his brow, trying to remember. “It hurt. I remember it hurt a lot.”

“When you changed?”

Remus nodded. “I don’t remember much after that, though. Just waking up with you.”

She nodded, brushing away a stray tear. “That’s okay, cariad. You don’t have to remember. I love you, Remus. I love you and your dad loves you. So much.”

“I love you, too.”

“Do you want to sleep for a bit?”

Remus nodded, his eyes drooping closed again. He was awfully tired, he didn’t think he had slept last night when he changed. He thought maybe he had just cried a lot. “Will you stay?”

“Of course,” his mum promised, moving to sit in the rocking chair in the corner of his room. “You get some rest, Remus. I’ll be right here.”

Remus smiled as she pulled a book from her dressing gown pocket and let his eyes slip closed again. 

The next time Remus awoke, the afternoon light filled his room. It took him a moment to remember why he was in bed, but then he sat up frantically looking for his mum. He found her sleeping in the rocking chair, her book fallen to the floor. 

Beside her, framed in the doorway, was his dad. That was probably what had woken him up. 

“Hungry?” his dad asked. 

Remus nodded, shy after the coldness of their conversation of the past few weeks. 

His dad held out one arm. “Come on, let’s make something together. Let your mum sleep.” 

Remus pushed back the covers and slipped out of bed, wrapping his robe around him for warmth, before letting his dad pull him into his side and out of the room. 

They made sandwiches quietly, Remus pointing at what he wanted. Soon they were seated at the kitchen table, Remus with a glass of milk and his dad with a fizzy drink. 

“How are you feeling?” his dad asked. 

Remus shrugged and took a sip of his milk. “It was weird.” 

“Your mum said it hurt? When you transformed.”

Remus nodded. “But then after I don’t remember.”

“That’s okay,” Dad said. “You don’t have to.” 

“Are you mad at me?” Remus said, staring down at his plate. 

His dad made a strange, choked off noise. “No, Remus, I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself for letting you get hurt.”

“Oh.”

“It’s my job to protect you and I didn’t do a very good job of that.”

Remus thought there was more to it than that, but he didn’t want to push, so he just nodded. 

“When is it going to happen again?”

“In about a month. It happens when the moon is the biggest in the sky. A full moon, they call it.”

Remus nodded, slotting the new knowledge into his mind. 

“My brave boy,” his dad murmured, pushing Remus’ hair back from his face. 

Remus nodded again. Brave. He could be brave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cariad is a welsch term of endearment, meaning darling or sweetheart


	2. Summer 1966

Sirius Black, of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black, was familiar with pain. 

He was only six years old but he knew how to muffle his shouts when he’s hurt, lest the next blow come harder. And he knew how to swallow down his fear and tears because they wouldn’t be answered with kindness. And he knew where it all came from.

That’s why the pains at night confused him. 

They had started months ago now, though it had taken him a while to catch the pattern. Sharp sudden pain with no real source that got worse before cutting off entirely. It only lasted a couple of minutes before it disappeared and let him sleep until he was woken by a second wave in the early dawn hours. 

There was no pain in between, but often when he woke there were marks on his skin. They looked like faded scars but they weren’t from anything he remembered. 

The first time it happened it scared him and he had cried out, but after that he learned to swallow his shouts because they’d never brought anything good before and he didn’t think it would be different with the mystery pains. It took him a while to find the pattern, so long that he thought it must’ve been nearly a year by now, but they came once a month, like clockwork. 

He was never able to go back to sleep again after the morning pain woke him and instead he spent the time examining his body for any new marks. It was during one of these examinations that he learned about soulmates. 

His parents would rise a bit later today, as it was a Saturday, but he’d given up trying to go back to sleep after the pains, so he made his way down to the kitchen to have some juice. His older cousin Andromeda had come to stay at the house for the summer, having only arrived the evening before, and he found her sitting at the kitchen table, stirring a cup of tea. He hadn’t bothered putting on his dressing gown and so his forearms were bare and his cousin had grabbed at them. 

“What are these from?”

“Nothing,” Sirius answered. “They just showed up.”

Andromeda studied them for a moment and then her eyes widened. 

“Oh! It must be your soulmate!” 

Sirius stared at her. “My soulmate?”

Andromeda nodded and beckoned him closer to whisper conspiratorially. “Soulmates share a magical bond, and strong emotions and pain travel across it. And scars show on each other, too. Your soulmate must have gotten hurt somehow, did you feel anything?”

Sirius shook his head. He had felt the regular nightly pains but didn’t remember the actual cuts forming, they were just there when he woke up. 

“Well, keep an eye out, you’ll find them!” Andromeda grinned, then her face fell. “Maybe don’t mention it to your mum though, she’s weird about soulmates.”

“Why?”

Andromeda shook her head. “I really don’t know. I wouldn’t ask her.”

Sirius nodded, brow furrowing. He avoided asking his mum questions whenever possible. 

“Hey, you’ll find them. It’ll be alright.” 

“Are they alright?” Sirius asked after a moment. 

His cousin crouched to look him in the eye. “I don’t know. I hope so, though. And when you find them you can help make sure they’re safe then. How’s that sound?” 

Sirius considered. “They feel my hurts, too?”

Andromeda nodded. “Did you get hurt?” 

Sirius stared at her. She had to know how mum treated him, everyone seemed to. Her reaction to the scars seemed to hint she thought Walburga Black capable of it, even if she didn’t know exactly what she did. Even Regulus knew Sirius was treated differently, and he’d only just turned five. His little brother was always trying to protect him, even when it was Sirius’ fault. 

After a long moment, he nodded. 

“Are you alright now?” Andromeda asked softly. 

Sirius shrugged. “I’m alright.” 

She didn’t look like she believed him and he didn’t blame her. He didn’t believe it either. 

***

Sirius liked having Andromeda around, it made the long days of summer pass less slowly, and he was not looking forward to her going back to school in a few weeks. Tonight, they were staying up late, it was definitely past Sirius’ bedtime, but they had doused the lights so no one would see, and Andromeda — Andy, as she told him to call her — was regaling him with stories of Hogwarts. She was going to be in her third year at the boarding school this fall and it sounded so much more exciting than the tutors he and Regulus had to learn with. 

She got to do magic and have friends, even if her older sister was there, too — Sirius did not like Bellatrix, she was mean-spirited like his mother and never played with the other cousins. But the castle sounded like the best thing in the world. It was full of old passageways and talking portraits that were actually nice and not just old relatives who looked down their noses at you. And the classes sounded alright, too, he supposed. He was looking forward to learning to control his magic and do things Andy could do. 

He was mid-laugh when the pains started and he gritted his teeth and grabbed the blankets around him as Andy gasped, stopping her story mid-sentence. 

“Sirius?” she gasped, reaching for him tentatively. “What’s happening? Are you alright? Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere,” Sirius gritted out. He let himself fall into her side, unable to say anything more but wanting the comfort of his cousin, and she held him tight as he writhed with pain. He could never tell how long the pains lasted, but they didn’t seem as long with Andy holding him and stroking his back. 

When it passed, he looked up at her and she gently wiped the tears from his eyes. “Has that happened before?”

Sirius nodded. “It happens every once in a while. Maybe once a month.”

Andy’s eyes darted to the window where a full moon was shining through the tree branches. “When exactly?”

Sirius thought hard. “The last time was when I found you in the kitchen and you told me about soulmates and we had toast.”

Andy thought for a moment before sliding off her bed and taking a diary from the desk drawer. She flipped through the pages for a moment until she found what she was looking for, then scribbled something on a scrap of parchment, shoving it into the diary before turning back to Sirius. 

The pain had passed but Sirius was afraid now that he’d done something wrong. 

Something in his face must have shown that fear because Andy hurried back to the bed and held him close again. “It’s alright, you’re alright, I promise. Will you write to me the next time this happens?” 

Sirius nodded, sniffling against his cousin. “It happens in the morning, too. Whenever it happens at night. That’s when the scratches showed up, too.” He pushed his sleeve back to show her the marks again. 

Andy nodded and pulled his sleeve down. “When in the morning?”

Sirius shrugged. “It wakes me up. I don’t know what time. Early.”

“That’s alright. Tell you what, why don’t you sleep in here tonight? I’ll conjure up a bed for you and you can sleep right beside my bed.”

Technically, Andy wasn’t allowed to use magic outside of school, but the trackers they used for underage wizards didn’t really work in the old pureblood houses, there was too much magic happening everywhere, so the family ignored the rule for the most part.

“Why?” Sirius asked, rubbing his nose again and sitting up to look at Andy. 

“When they wake you up, I can check what time it is. And if anything happens, I’ll be here.”

“You’d do that?” Sirius asked, his eyes wide. 

“Of course. Now, let’s get ready for bed, it’s late.”

Sirius smiled at her and watched as she pulled her wand from her bedside table drawer and conjured up a neat bed for him. He climbed into it gratefully, his limbs suddenly heavy with exhaustion. 

Still, he laid awake for a bit, wondering what Andy had been looking for, but she clearly hadn’t wanted to tell him. Once she fell asleep he thought he might be able to check what she’d written down but that felt bad when he thought about it, so he decided not to. She would tell him when she was ready, he trusted her. 

With that thought, he finally drifted off to sleep. 

When the pains awoke him, Andy was beside him in a moment, soothing his tears and pulling him into her arms again once the pains ended. Sirius rubbed at his eye and was surprised to find the skin of his cheek tight and warm. He pushed himself from Andy’s arms and ran to her mirror, staring at his face, now marred by a scar stretching across one cheek and his nose. 

Andy joined him in the mirror before turning him by the shoulder so he faced her. She examined it closely for a moment, pursing her lips. Sirius’ lip began to tremble. 

“Oh come now, don’t cry, it’s alright.”

“Mother will be upset,” Sirius whispered. 

Frowning, Andy squeezed his arms gently. “I’ll help you explain. You can’t control soulmate marks.”

Sirius nodded but was sure his mother would still be angry. She didn’t care what the cause was, it was still usually Sirius’ fault. They dressed and went downstairs. He hid behind Andy as they approached the dining room where his parents would no doubt already be eating breakfast and ignoring each other over the morning paper, even though it was so early since it was a weekday.

Sure enough, both of them were there, robes on and hair done, and Sirius slipped further behind Andy. 

“Good morning Aunt and Uncle,” Andy greeted politely, sitting down at the table and reaching forward to serve herself some juice. Sirius sat beside her and stared at his empty place setting, letting his hair fall into his face. He really wasn’t hungry. 

Andy must have noticed he wasn’t eating, because she served him a portion of whatever she grabbed as well, encouraging him. 

Finally, Sirius looked up enough to begin eating, trying not to draw attention. But his mother noticed after only two bites of his toast, gasping and staring at his face. 

“Sirius Orion Black, what is on your face?”

“It’s a soulmate scar, Aunt Walburga,” Andy answered for him. “It was there when he woke up.”

“I woke up to the hurts and then it was there,” Sirius said carefully. He was always careful to not lie to his mother because she always knew and punished him dreadfully. He did wake up to it, it just hadn’t been those hurts that made the scar. 

Or at least he didn’t think so. He knew what cuts felt like and the soulmate pains didn’t feel like that. 

His mother was quite still as she studied him and Sirius kept his face as blank as he could make it, prepared for whatever punishment she decided on. His father remained silent behind the paper.

Finally, she seemed to decide. “It doesn’t matter. Soulmates are inconsequential. You will marry whomever we chose for you. In the meantime, I don’t want to see it.”

She pulled her wand from her robe sleeve and Sirius flinched back.

Andy shrieked. “Aunt Walburga!”

“I’m just casting a glamour, calm down, child,” she sneered, sending the charm at Sirius without a word. His face tingled as it settled and he reached up for the scar. He could still feel it, but his mother seemed satisfied so he didn’t think it was visible anymore. 

Andy reached for his hand under the table and squeezed it tight. 

After breakfast, Andy brought him back to her room and sat him on the desk chair. He was still shocked that his mother had not hit him or thrown a curse at him for getting hurt like this, but he waited patiently as Andy laid out a little metal container, a glass which she filled with water with a quick “Aguamenti”, and a sort of paintbrush. 

“I’m going to remove her charm now, alright?”

Sirius nodded and she picked up her wand and neatly pronounced the spell. “Finite Incantatem.”

The tingling feeling happened again but this time it felt warmer and Sirius smiled. Next, she flipped open a box to show a pale powder of some kind. 

“It’s a cover-up makeup, I’m going to put this on your scar, and it will cover up the scar. No magic.” 

“Alright.”

Andy dipped the brush in the water, then the powder, then lightly brushed it against his skin along the new scar. She worked for a few minutes before sitting back and examining her work. 

“It’s a good thing we have the same skin tone. Come look in the mirror.” 

Sirius followed her over to the mirror and sure enough, the scar was concealed now on his face. He touched it gently, careful not to smudge it. 

“I’ll show you how to do it before I go back to school. And once you’re older you can cast your own glamour instead. This’ll do for now.”

“Thanks, Andy,” Sirius whispered, still staring at the scar. 

He traced it with his eyes and thought about what could have caused the scar. He had been so scared of his mother up until now that he had forgotten to be afraid for his soulmate. He hoped they were alright. 

***

_ September 3, 1966 _

_ Dear Sirius, _

_ Thank you for writing to tell me about your soulmate pains on Thursday night. I checked it against my diary and I think I’m right that the pains come with the full moons. I’ve included a lunar calendar so you can track it better and not be surprised as you have been.  _

_ I think you’ve probably heard of werewolves, which might be what has happened to your soulmate. I know it sounds scary in the stories but please promise me you won’t go looking for information. In all likelihood, your soulmate is just another kid like you, maybe with a furry little problem. How long ago did they start? _

_ I’ve included another box of cover-up in case you run out of the one I left you. Please keep me posted on how you’re doing, I expect to hear from you regularly, cousin!  _

_ Love, _

_ Andy _

_ P.S. Don’t forget to wash the powder brush. _

Sirius stared at the letter for a moment, then reread it, sure he had misread something. His pains came on the full moon? His soulmate might be a werewolf? That was simply too much to take in. 

He folded the letter, pocketed it and the powder, and dressed for dinner. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty you everyone who's read so far! blown away by all the comments from chapter 1, hope this one lived up to the hype.


	3. Winter 1968

Remus loved to read. It gave him an escape from the rest of his life, got him out of his own head. 

Not that his life was awful, mind. His parents loved him and his mum did anything she could for him, his dad supportive, if quiet, behind her. But sometimes that just made the nightmares worse. Nightmares of breaking down the attic door, breaking the wards his dad put up, and killing them in their bed before he even knew what he’d done. 

But books. In books he wasn’t a werewolf, he was anything he wanted to be. He could have grand adventures and lifelong friendships. He could go to school like regular kids or learn from important elders. He could travel without thinking of the full moons. He could grow up to be anything he wanted in books.

But it was also in books that he first learned of unrequited soulmates. 

He knew about soulmates, of course, his parents were soulmates, as were his mum’s parents — no one liked to talk about dad’s parents so he didn’t know. He’d heard the stories of them putting the clues together, of confirming their bond and being happy for all their lives. It was a magical thing that everyone got to experience, something that transcended the boundaries of the magical world his dad came from. 

His latest read had shocked him, though, when the main character found he had a one-sided bond. He felt his soulmate through the bond but she did not feel it. And his nightmares evolved. 

Now, they featured a shapeless person, his soulmate, telling him it wasn’t real, wasn’t mutual, wasn’t a full bond, that they would never want Remus back, how could anyone want Remus back, look at what he is!

It’s one of these that woke him up tonight, and though he tried to muffle his crying, he could hear his mum’s footsteps in the hall. 

“Remus? Are you alright, cariad?” she asked through the crack in the door. He didn’t like it closed all the way.

Remus sniffled and wiped his eyes on his sheet. “Just a dream.”

The room brightened as she opened the door and the light from the hallway seeped in. She sat beside him on the bed and ran her fingers gently through his hair. 

“Do you want to tell me about it?” 

Remus buried his face further into his pillow before answering. “Do I still have a soulmate?”

He was fairly certain he had one, he felt pain sometimes that wasn’t his own, another child somewhere else falling off a playground or hitting their head on a cabinet. He’d felt glee that wasn’t his own on occasion, and fear he couldn’t place. 

“Of course you do, Remus,” Mum said. “Everyone has a soulmate.”

“Even werewolves?” Remus whispered. 

His mum’s response was to lift him from the bed and onto her lap. He was getting too big to sit there, really, all long limbs that he kept banging on door jams, but now he felt small in her arms. 

“ _ Everyone  _ has a soulmate. Every single person in the world, especially you.”

Remus was quiet for a minute, thinking through what to say. “I saw it in a book.”

“Ah,” his mum said. “Sometimes people write stories about unmatched soulmates, but there’s never been one recorded, cariad. They’re not real.”

“Promise?” Remus felt terribly young asking his mum to promise such a thing, but he needed the reassurance just then. 

“I promise.” She kissed his head and smoothed back his curls. “Do you want to tell me about the book?”

Remus shook his head. Instead, he asked, “What do they feel?” 

“Your soulmate?”

Remus hummed a yes.

“Well, before you confirm the bond, they’ll feel only really strong emotions and pain. So when you’re really happy or really sad, or if you get hurt, they’ll feel that pain, too.”

“And if I get scars, they get them, too,” Remus finished in a whisper. He traced his latest scar up his forearm, where it shone bright red from the last full moon. Many of his scars had faded over the years as he grew, thankfully including the one on his face from early in his transformations. That had been the worst one even though it hadn’t been very painful, something he saw every time he looked in the mirror, something that marked him as different that couldn’t be hidden by clothes. Now it was just a faint white line.

“Yes, they’ll get a scar, too.” She stilled his hand with hers. “It will look faint and old, healed over quickly.”

“Why do they have to hurt them?”

“The story goes that all soulmates were once one soul, so their bodies share the scars as a way to mark them as one. It helps you find each other. Your father found me partly because of my burn scar from childhood.” She touched her forearm gently where Remus knew the burn scar shone against her and his dad’s skin.

“Mine are different, though. They’re not something I do. They’re what the wolf does.”

Remus had long thought of the wolf as a separate thing from himself. He wasn’t himself when he transformed; he didn’t remember anything afterwards and he hurt himself as he tried to escape the room his parents had to trap him in. Separating himself from the wolf was how he protected himself.

“I don’t know how the lycanthropy works, I’m sorry, cariad. We can ask your dad in the morning, alright?” 

She always insisted on calling the wolf by its full medical name, even though Remus thought it sounded stupid.

“Alright, mum,” he agreed. 

***

His dad hadn’t known anything about how soulmates worked with lycanthropy. 

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know.”

“What do you know?” Remus asked. “About werewolves.”

“The same as you do, I’ve told you everything.” His dad’s brow was furrowed as he tried to understand Remus’ question.

“What about laws? Or cures? Or treatments even? What about the one who bit me, did they catch him? What about how am I going to go to Hogwarts?”

His dad looked suddenly very pale and swallowed hard. 

“Well, there’s a lot of laws. Laws about registering with the ministry. Laws about what a werewolf is responsible for if he hurts someone. What the punishments are. Many say they aren’t strict enough.”

Remus noted his father’s eyes darting away and the nervous way he fidgeted with his trouser seam. He wasn’t sure which side his father was on and wasn’t sure he wanted to right now. He nodded, encouraging him to go on. 

“There’s not a cure. You know if there was your mum and I would move heaven and earth to get it for you. We would do anything.”

“I know, dad.”

“There’s not a treatment, either. Some people try to come up with one every now and then, but they always end up getting shut down.” He took a deep breath. “No one wants to be seen funding research for werewolves.”

“Why? They could help! If there was a cure or even a treatment there wouldn’t be any accidents. We could be safe!”

His dad shook his head sadly. “People are too caught up in the werewolves who do it on purpose. Like the one who bit you.”

“He did it on purpose? Did they catch him?”

Another head shake. “They haven’t, but yes he does it on purpose. He’s attacked too many children for it to be accidents, it’s the same one. But they can’t catch him.”

Remus thought for a moment. “Do they not know what he looks like?” 

“They know. They arrested him, once, but couldn’t make the charges stick. So he’s out there.”

An uneasy silence fell between the two of them, sat at the kitchen table with twin cups of tea. 

“I tried so hard to make them listen,” his dad whispered. “He didn’t like that.”

Something in his dad’s voice told him not to ask questions about this, not now. When he was older maybe he could ask.

“What was his name?” Remus asked instead in his own quiet voice.

“Fenrir Greyback.”

Remus nodded. A name. He filed it away in his memory, deciding he would make sure he was held accountable one day. 

Looking back Remus could pinpoint that conversation as the day his anger took shape. 

Where before he had been afraid of the wolf in a vague sort of way — afraid of hurting his family and his soulmate and himself — now he was angry. 

He was angry that the werewolf had been able to attack him. He was angry that wizarding society had done nothing to protect him and now was doing nothing to help him, angry that there was no research, no potion, no support at all. He was angry that his soulmate was stuck with him, angry that the wolf hurt his soulmate, angry that he had no control.

Angry that he was alone.

And once again, Remus found himself lying to his parents. 

“Alright?” his dad asked.

And Remus smiled a small smile and said he was, even as the anger brewed inside him. 

His anger simmered under the surface, quietly eating away at him. Some days he felt guilty for his anger, convinced he didn’t deserve to be this upset. Other days he was consumed by fear of it all, and mad that it had such a hold on him. Yet others he was angry for the sake of being angry: at his lot in life, at how those like himself were treated, that the man who had done it was free somewhere. He had no control over any of it and so he was just angry.

The worst day, though, was when he finally put together what was happening to his soulmate.

What he had before thought to be the normal pains of a young boy, began to take shape into something more sinister. The pain came to him down the bond, often resonating around his ears or his shoulder or his backside. Pain that began to tell a story: a story of a child being pushed around and hurt by someone stronger. 

There was that anger again, anger that anyone would hurt a child, that they would hurt his soulmate. But this time other emotions led the charge. 

There was also fear for his soulmate, and deep, instinctual love. He was anxious for them, wanted them to feel his concern and let him know they were alright. He wanted to help. 

He wanted so badly to comfort the person on the other end of this bond but he didn’t know who his soulmate was, couldn’t find them if he wanted to. He didn’t even have any idea what he would do if he could. Why was the world so unfair to Remus Lupin and his soulmate?

Even though his mum had told him most emotions wouldn’t travel the bond until they met and discovered they were soulmates, Remus spent all of his energy trying to send comfort and love to them. They were stuck with him and the wolf, the least he could do was project safety and love to them. 

He hoped they felt it.


	4. Spring 1969

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the implied/referenced child abuse tag is relevant this chapter, we see the aftermath only. Sirius also has some unhealthy thought patterns around said event, please take care of yourself.

Sirius pressed the ice pack to his cheek and rolled his shoulder, testing it. He hadn’t meant to anger her, but he had and now he was paying for it. 

“Sirius?” his brother’s voice came from the hall. Sirius flinched. 

“In here.”

Regulus’ head poked around the corner and then the rest of him followed into the library. 

“Are you alright?”

Sirius shrugged. He’d had worse. 

“I’m sorry,” Regulus said. 

“Not your fault,” Sirius said, shaking his head. Wouldn’t do for his little brother to blame himself for things that he couldn’t control.

“Can I help?” Regulus said after a minute.

Sirius shook his head again. “I put the shoulder back already, and I’ve got ice. All I can do.”

Regulus’ eyes widened. “She dislocated your shoulder?”

“Not the first time.” It was the third in fact, but Regulus didn’t need to know that.

“Sirius —.”

“It’s fine, Reg,” Sirius cut him off. “Come here.” He shifted the ice into his injured arm and extended the uninjured arm to his brother, who joined him on the sofa obligingly. 

“You’re sure you’re alright?” 

“Yes. I’m sure. Tell me about your day?”

Regulus smiled against Sirius’ shoulder. “My soulmate was really happy about something earlier. They were so happy I could almost feel them laughing.” 

Ah, soulmates. Sirius tried not to think about them too much. He hated how much of his soulmate and his relationship was about pain. He was afraid he never felt a strong enough joy to pass to an unmatched soulmate, and so all they would feel was pain like today. 

In return, most of what his soulmate sent to him was their transformation pains — for he was sure that was what they were now, he had been tracking the moons for years — and though he did get short flashes of joy, much of his soulmate’s life seemed to be pain and anger as well. 

He wanted to send joy, wanted to send love, but he had the hardest time believing anything was stronger than his fear and pain. Maybe they deserved each other, two broken kids.

“What are you thinking about? You got all tense,” Regulus interrupted his train of thought. 

“My soulmate.”

Regulus looked up at him, then pulled his handkerchief from his pocket. “You’re bleeding,” he said as he dabbed his cheek. His mother’s ring, most likely. “Let me put some dittany on it? Don’t want it to scar.”

Sirius nodded and dug into the couch cushions for the bottle he kept hidden there. 

Regulus laughed, dryly. “Why was that in there?”

Sirius shrugged and tried to smile back. “Safer than my room. You know she goes through my things.” That was why he hid in the library after, too, in case she decided she wasn’t done and went looking for him. No one looked for him here except Regulus.

Regulus nodded, the smile falling from his face as he applied the dittany to his handkerchief and gently dabbed it onto the cut. “I wish I could help.”

“You do.” 

“Like actually help. She shouldn’t —.”

“I know. I just need to stay out of her way. Not for you to worry about.”

Regulus furrowed his brow and pursed his lips but said nothing. They had fought about this before, that Sirius shouldn’t have to “stay out of her way,” that she shouldn’t treat him that way, but it always ended in a stalemate. 

Because, while Sirius knew all of that, it made no difference. No one was going to step in who had any influence, that much had been proven over the years. So the only thing he could do was stay out of the way. Even if he wasn’t very good at it. 

“What else did you do today?” Sirius said, steering the conversation back to safer topics. 

“I went flying. The wind was kinda strong but it was alright until it started raining. Will you go fly with me tomorrow? I miss flying with you.”

“Alright.”

“And we got letters from Andy, that’s why I was trying to find you. Here,” he pulled an envelope from his robe, “this one is yours.”

“Thanks, Reg.” He tucked his letter into his robe. “I love you, you know?”

“I know. I love you, too.” Regulus tucked himself back into his brother and Sirius gripped him tightly, focusing on the feeling and trying to shove it across the soulmate bond. Love, comfort, joy. Those were what his soulmate should get from him. 

***

Regulus sealed the letter back to Andy and went wandering to the garden to find the family owl, Salazar, who was probably napping in the owlery. 

As he walked, he traced the scar under his sleeve on his forearm where, a few months ago, his soulmate had broken their arm and had surgery — when muggle doctors cut a person open and fixed things inside before sewing them shut again. Now, the scar shone faintly, a long line with tiny pinpricks of light along each side. Regulus thought it sounded barbaric but Andy had been all too eager to explain it, filling a whole roll of parchment with details he really didn’t need. 

The important news he had learned was that his soulmate was a muggle or a muggleborn because no wizard would ever let someone do that, no matter how badly broken an arm was. That was what magic was for! 

Beside the point. The point was, Regulus knew something about his soulmate and knew that he could never tell his parents.

He had long known that they were far too invested in blood purity and political power and that both he and Sirius would be better once they escaped this house, but now… well he really needed to find his way out. For his soulmate, if not for himself.

Sirius seemed determined to fight his way out but Regulus knew he wouldn’t be able to. He’d have to toe the line, make them think he agreed until he could escape. He could do that.

He spotted Salazar at last and held out his scarred arm for the owl to perch on. 

“Back to Andy, please.” The eagle owl nipped playfully at his fingers as he tied the letter onto his leg. “Thank you.”

Regulus helped him launch into the sky and watched until he was a speck in the north sky. Maybe it would be easier at school.

***

The next day, Sirius kept his promise and got out his broom to fly with Regulus. It needed some upkeep from how it had been shoved unceremoniously into the back of his closet, so he clipped some of the tail twigs then ran a cloth down the handle, rubbing a scuff off. 

Satisfied, he slipped out of his room and down the hall. 

“Reg?” He tapped quietly on his brother’s door. There was a soft sound of socks on carpet before the door creaked open. His brother’s face split into a broad grin when he saw the broom and he pulled Sirius into the room eagerly, shutting the door behind them. 

“I thought you’d forgotten!” Regulus exclaimed as he grabbed shoes from his wardrobe and shoved them on his feet. 

“Course not,” Sirius said with a smile, happy to make his brother happy if nothing else. 

Regulus grinned at him again as he tied off the second shoe, then jumped back up to get his broomstick. “Did you see anyone in the hall? Should we go out the window?”

“I didn’t see anyone, but better safe than sorry, yeah?”

“Right,” Regulus agreed, crossing the room to the tall windows. He unlocked them and swung the panes out into the bright afternoon, filling the room with the scent of roses from below his window. “Ready?”

Sirius answered by swinging his leg over his broomstick and launching himself through the window. His brother’s laughter carried on the air behind him and Sirius felt free for the first time in ages. Soon, Regulus caught up to him, circling around him over the magically expanded backyard of Grimmauld Place. 

There were all sorts of wards on the place so muggles couldn’t see in or enter the yard, leaving them free to grow magical plants in the garden and fly broomsticks overhead. It was the best part of this haunted old house, otherwise so filled with dread around every corner.

Sirius didn’t think of that now. He was soaring over the ground, wind in his hair, his brother laughing freely beside him, and the world was alright for a moment. He circled higher, turning his face into the sun.

“What are you doing?” Regulus called. 

“I’m going to touch the sun!” Sirius called back with a laugh, reaching up as though he was almost there. 

Regulus laughed and the sound was like bells on the spring wind. He wanted to stop time, wanted to live in this moment forever; just him and his brother beneath the clear blue sky, young and free. Sirius looked down to where Regulus hovered and turned his broom down, dropping towards him in a steep dive.

“Sirius!” Regulus shouted, still grinning. 

Sirius pulled up just in front of him and tackled him sideways, hugging his brother to him in midair. The hug went on a moment before Regulus squirmed out of it. 

“What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m just… happy,” Sirius said. “I’m happy. And we’re gonna be alright.”

Regulus looked at him with a strange expression. “You’re happy.”

“Yeah, haven’t you heard of it? It’s when you like where you are and who you’re with and what you’re doing and everything feels alright just for a moment.”

“You’re weird,” Regulus said with a shake of his head, but he was still smiling. 

Again, Sirius begged time to stop, just two boys being happy. 

“Snitch race?” Regulus asked, pulling one from his pocket. 

“You’re on.”

Regulus held the ball carefully between forefinger and thumb, letting it unfurl its tiny wings, before tossing it into the air. 

“One,” the boys counted together as the snitch darted away, “two, three, four, five!” 

And then they were both off, shooting upwards after the glint of gold. The snitch darted left, giving Regulus an advantage as he veered towards it, but Sirius was faster and caught up with him. 

They were neck and neck when the ball dropped and darted under them, and Regulus dove after it. Sirius looped up and around instead, trying to catch sight of it again. There! He leaned forward to put on speed and dove down towards the hovering snitch. 

Regulus spotted it too, now, and pointed his broom up, darting forward to reach it first. Sirius reached an arm out, closing his hand around the snitch just as Regulus collided into him. 

“Aw, no fair, your arms are longer!” 

“You should really get on that,” Sirius teased, sticking his tongue out. “Again?”

“Alright,” Regulus agreed easily, and Sirius released the snitch again.

Twice more they chased the tiny gold ball — Regulus winning the second round but Sirius beating him in the third — until they were breathless and floated to the ground together lazily. Sirius dropped his broom and fell backwards onto the grass. 

“What are you doing?” Regulus asked, standing over him.

“It’s nice. Join me.”

“You’re really weird today.” Regulus squinted at him. 

Sirius rolled his eyes and pulled at his brother’s knee until he fell gracefully to the grass beside him. Sirius propped his arms behind his head and leaned back, watching the clouds. The afternoon had been perfect and he sighed in contentment. 

Suddenly, joy flooded through his soulmate bond. It was a different kind of joy, something almost proud. Where before, the happiness he had occasionally felt through the bond was a sort of pleasure at a job well done, this was an outward joy, somehow. His soulmate was happy… for him? It felt directed at him, somehow. A purposeful emotion, something they wanted him to feel. 

Sirius laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of it. 

“What?” Regulus asked.

“My soulmate. They’re happy.”

“And you’re happy.”

“And I’m happy,” Sirius agreed. “They’re happy I’m happy, I think.”

Regulus didn’t reply, so Sirius looked over, only to see that strange emotion on his face again. 

“How can you tell?” Regulus asked finally, squinting against the sun. 

“It’s like… it’s like they want me to know that they’re happy. And proud. And… relieved I think. I’m not very good at understanding what they’re feeling yet. I don’t get much.”

That wasn’t entirely true, of course, because Sirius got plenty of pain from his soulmate, but strong, happy emotions were rarer. He only got those short flashes of joy that felt so different from the anger and pain and he hadn’t yet figured out how to interpret.

This, though. This filled him from head to toe with light and he basked in it. 

Yeah, they were gonna be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah happy boys in the sun


	5. Summer 1971

Remus was in a fantastic mood. He had his school things at last! He had gone with his parents to Diagon Alley and picked out all of his school supplies including his very own wand! 

He had nearly refused to put it back in the box, wishing to only hold it and feel it connecting to his magic. When Mr Ollivander had handed it to him — after a long string of wands that did nothing but buzz faintly in his hand or backfire horribly on him — it had erupted in a shower of gold sparks and Remus had felt warmth down to his very toes.

It felt like coming home.

“Did that look bronze, Hope?” his dad has asked. 

“Not sure, might have been gold,” his mother said with a smile towards Remus. His dad was insistent that Remus would be a Ravenclaw like he had been but his mum told him he would do well wherever he landed. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be in Ravenclaw, really. His dad said it would suit him, it was the house of the witty and the wise, both of which Remus supposedly was. 

He didn’t really think he was all that witty or wise, and he certainly didn’t love learning like Ravenclaws were meant to, for all he was fairly good at his schoolwork. The issue was he didn’t feel as though he fit the other houses either. 

Brave? No, Remus wasn’t brave; he was scared all the time. 

Kind? No, Remus wasn’t kind, he was angry. 

Ambitious? No, Remus rather preferred people not notice him at all. 

So where did that leave him? He didn’t know, but he would find out soon. Hogwarts! It had felt like a dream come true when he’d received his letter in June.

Remus hadn’t been sure he would get one, what with his… condition. But the letter had included another envelope with ‘Lyall Lupin’ written on it in curling script and his dad had taken it, read it through quickly, and tucked it thoughtfully into his pocket. 

“We’ll talk about all that later. Let’s have a look at the supply list, yeah?”

Remus had just grinned. He could go! 

He’d been to Diagon Alley before on errands with his dad, of course. He’d gone to get new work robes once and the efficient witch at Madam Malkin’s had kindly chatted with him about how long until he would go off to school. He’d even gotten to go to the Apothecary last year with his dad when he needed to restock his potions cabinet. 

“Don’t touch anything, Remus. Some of this can be quite dangerous.”

“Yes, Dad,” Remus had agreed, eyes wide at the jars full of strange things on shelves around the shop. He couldn’t wait until he could learn what they all did and how to make potions. When his dad made potions it didn’t look like magic, it looked more like cooking, and Remus liked cooking. He thought he would be good at potions, even if he wasn’t much good at magic. He didn’t think he would be, really. He didn’t feel very magical.

But the feeling of his magic flowing excitedly through him and through his new wand — ten and a quarter inches, cypress wood with a unicorn hair core, pliable — had changed all of that. 

He could feel the potential in himself for the first time. He felt powerful and magical. It was more than something his dad had, more than something that affected him. He _was_ magic for the first time. 

Mr Ollivander had told him that unicorn hair wands were very faithful and that their owners often shared the trait. Faithful. Loyal. For the first time, Remus thought of the words as they applied to himself. He didn’t exactly have many friends, but he did suppose he was loyal to his parents. Perhaps he’d be in Hufflepuff? 

Remus could envision himself a wizard at last. Sitting at the long house tables his dad described, attending classes with other children, sleeping in a dorm together. It felt real for the first time.

They had gotten his wand first and he’d had to let it sit in its box as he visited all of the other shops with his parents. They had picked up a full set of textbooks at Flourish and Blotts, a pewter cauldron, a set of glass phials and a set of brass scales for potions class, a telescope from astronomy, dragonhide gloves, and a full set of parchment, quills, and ink to do his homework with. Lastly, they had gone back to Madam Malkin’s to fit him for his school robes, cloak, and hat. 

All of it had gone into his dad’s shopping bag, except for the robes which would be delivered after they had been hemmed. It was bulging quite a lot but Dad had charmed it to be weightless so it was easy to carry, which Remus insisted on doing.

After lunch, back on the muggle street, his dad opened the boot of the car and made to put the shopping in. 

“Can I have the wand?” Remus asked. 

His mum looked at his dad, and then Dad reached into the bag and pulled the long thin box from the bottom. 

“You can hold it but leave it in the box, alright?”

Remus grinned and agreed, taking the box and climbing into the backseat. 

He had come to Diagon Alley through side-along apparition with his dad before, but this time they had driven so Mum could come, too. It had taken them the better part of the day yesterday and they had stayed at an inn last night before getting up early this morning for shopping. 

Remus stared at the box in his lap as his parents started the car and discussed the best route back out of the city. He swore he could feel the magic of it through the box. He stared at it as they made their way through the crowded London streets, streets that had captivated him on the drive in. He stared at it until he fell asleep in the backseat, exhausted from the travel and excitement of the day. 

And now, back in his bedroom, he was busy packing all of his things into his trunk. The trunk had belonged to his dad at school and was a bit battered, but there was no reason to buy something new that he already had, as Dad said. 

The wand still sat on the bed, he wanted it at the very top so he could get to it quickly on the train. He wanted it in his pocket as soon as he could.

He packed his clothes first, jumpers and slacks and shoes and pyjamas and pants and socks, plus the hat they had bought at Madam Malkin’s, leaving space for the robes that would arrive next week. He nestled the various supplies into the sweaters for safe keeping. The books he began to load into the other side before stopping. Perhaps he should look through them first and prepare for his first classes. 

Yes, that was a good idea. He hauled the pile of books up to his nightstand and picked one off the top to read first. _A History of Magic_ , that seemed a good place to start.

***

The next day, the letter addressed to Dad was sitting on the kitchen table, where his parents were both seated eating breakfast. 

“G’morning,” Remus said, sitting and helping himself to eggs and toast. 

His parents let him eat before Dad picked up the letter and handed it to Remus. 

“Should I read it?”

Dad nodded so Remus pulled the sheet of parchment from the envelope. It was a note in the same curly script that the envelope had been addressed with. 

_Dear Lyall,_

_We have made all of the arrangements discussed for young Remus. A safe location and a secure entrance have been procured. Madam Pomfrey, our matron, will escort Remus and ensure all is well. She will also provide any healing he requires._

_I don’t have to tell you that Remus should not disclose his condition to his fellow students, and Madam Pomfrey has of course been sworn to secrecy._

_Hope you’re well,_

_Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster_

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

He looked up at his dad. 

“Do you understand?” 

His dad had never really gotten any better about talking about his condition, and Remus had gotten used to it. 

“Yes.”

“You can’t tell anyone. There would be a terrible outcry if it was known. Professor Dumbledore has done all he can so you can have a proper education and he is trusting you.”

Remus nodded solemnly. “I understand.”

It was risky for him to attend school with all the other kids, and this professor was helping him anyway. From what his dad had told him, not a lot of wizards would do that. He wouldn’t tell anymore. 

“The first moon will be the second Sunday so you’ll have a week to get settled first,” his mum added. 

“Alright.” September fifth, Remus remembered from his journal.

“There’s something else we should talk about,” Mum said. 

Remus folded up the letter and slipped it back into the envelope. 

“Soulmates,” she finished. 

“I know about soulmates.”

Mum exchanged a look with Dad and he covered her hand with his on the table. “You need to be careful, cariad.”

“Why?”

“Well, your soulmate will likely know about the lycanthropy. Or at least have questions for you about the transformation pains.”

“They still don’t know much about soulmates and lycanthropy,” his dad interjected. “But they should have the same scars as you do and the transformation pains as well. If it’s someone at school…”

Remus scratched absently at a scar on his forearm.

“What we’re saying is you need to make sure you trust them — whoever it is — before you tell them anything. Even if they already have it figured out. If you’re not sure, you can go to Madam Pomfrey or Professor Dumbledore, or to the head of your house, whoever that is. They will all know and can help you.”

“Why wouldn’t I trust them? They’re my soulmate.”

Another look was exchanged between his parents and Remus fought the urge to roll his eyes. They were always doing that, talking without talking. 

“All I’m saying, cariad, is to be careful,” Mum said. “Not everyone is trustworthy, even soulmates.”

Remus thought for a moment, studying his parents. They were soulmates, he knew. But he knew not all soulmates worked out. Everyone had a soulmate, after all, and some people were bad people. Even they had a soulmate, he supposed. The werewolf who attacked him even had one, he supposed. 

He nodded. He would be careful until he was sure. 

Mum smiled at him, a sad smile. 

Remus hated that smile, it was her lycanthropy smile. It was the one she wore while she patched him up after full moons or when he asked questions she didn’t have answers to. Once again, he hated what his condition had done to his mum. 

“I’ll be careful, Mum. I promise.”

“My brave boy,” she said. 

Remus tried to be brave, for her, and smiled.


	6. Autumn 1971, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hogwarts!! The boys all meet and the author realizes they forgot to describe any of their appearances in the previous chapters... enjoy!

He was finally going to Hogwarts! Sirius bounced on his toes as his mum and Regulus walked with him through King’s Cross Station. 

His parents had sat him down and given him a very serious lecture the night before about the behaviour expected from the heir to the House of Black, which Sirius had tried very hard to sit still for but had absolutely no intention of following. For the first time, he would be away from them and he was going to live life to the fullest. 

Sirius had big plans. Hopefully, he would be sorted somewhere besides Slytherin, as Blacks always were — he thought Gryffindor sounded the best. He was going to make friends with someone his parents would hate. And he would let loose, no longer afraid of the particular brand of consequences his mother was so fond of. 

Of course, there would be school consequences, too, so his first priority was never getting caught in his fun. It wouldn’t do for them to write home to his parents. 

Andy had told him that plenty of students stayed at school for the holidays so he would be free for ten whole months! He couldn’t wait! 

Mum grabbed his arm, hard. 

“Stop that ridiculous _skipping_.” She spat out the last word as though it tasted bad. 

Sirius dropped his heels into the floor, hard. They were almost at the platform, it wouldn’t do for his classmates to see him this excited anyway. He looked at Regulus, ready to exchange one of their looks of mutual annoyance with their mother, but he wouldn’t meet Sirius’s eye. 

Regulus was the one real regret he had. There was a whole year before Regulus would join him at Hogwarts. He would miss his little brother, of course, but he was more worried about what Mum would do to him in Sirius’s absence. Although Regulus had always been better about avoiding her wrath, Sirius was less certain he could manage it without him as a buffer. 

Sirius nudged his shoulder into Regulus’s and he looked up briefly with a small smile, before dropping his gaze back to his shoes.

“Here we are,” their mum cut into the non-conversation. “Through you go, Sirius.”

Sirius nodded and walked towards the barrier between platforms nine and ten, the magic smoothly sending him through to the other side, where the Hogwarts Express sat at Platform 9 ¾. 

Andy had told him all about it of course, but it paled in comparison to actually being in front of it, in comparison to knowing it would take him away from his childhood home. Andy had left school that spring, having completed her seventh year — the second thing Sirius was upset about, after leaving Regulus — and promptly cut ties with her family, and he really couldn’t begrudge her running away.

She had told him by letter everything that had happened over the summer, from her boyfriend Ted Tonks coming to meet her family and their subsequent elopement after Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus had vehemently opposed the match. Ted was muggleborn and of course, the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black couldn’t be associated with muggleborns! 

He hadn’t gotten the letter until after Andy and Ted were safely in a little apartment, far away from all things House of Black. He couldn’t imagine his cousin being married — eighteen didn’t feel nearly old enough for such a thing — but he was glad she was happy. She had told him it was best if they didn’t write or see each other for a bit, but promised she would write once he was at school, and while Sirius had felt the loss keenly, he was too excited about school to give it much thought. 

Sirius had noticed a few days later that the family tapestry in the drawing room now sported a new burn where “Andromeda Black” had once been written. That would probably be him one day, he figured. 

Regulus bumped into him from behind as he and Mum came through the barrier, finding him still gaping at the train. 

“Close your mouth,” Mum snapped, and Sirius did, though he let a scowl grace his features. He stole another glance at Regulus but he was still watching his shoes as though they were very interesting. 

“Ah, Augusta,” Mum said, her face instantly sliding into the perfect mask she wore when greeting other members of society; it was a mix of aloofness and polite disinterest with just enough respect to throw them off the trail. Sirius hated it. 

Taking advantage of her distraction, Sirius turned to Regulus and nudged his shoe with his own. 

“Reg?”

“What?” Regulus asked his shoes.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re not sorry. You’re thrilled. You can’t leave soon enough. Are you even coming home for Christmas?”

Sirius frowned, he hadn’t mentioned his plans to Regulus, thinking it would come through better over letter but now he questioned that decision.

“I don’t know yet,” he lied.

“You won’t. You’ll stay there. You’ve escaped. Well done.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and slung an arm around his brother’s shoulder, pulling him away from the crowd. Finally, Regulus looked up. 

“It’s only one year,” Sirius said. “Then you’ll be there with me. And we’ll stick together.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, now. “Yeah, right. You’ll make a whole bunch of friends and you’ll forget about me.”

“Never, Reg! Listen to me, we’re brothers. We stick together, alright? I promise.” He held out his pinky finger and Regulus stared at it. For a terrible moment, Sirius thought he would refuse, but at last, Regulus hooked his own pinky into Sirius’s and they held up the intertwined hands to kiss their fists. 

“Promise.”

“Promise,” Sirius echoed. 

“Come on, you should get on the train. Go make some friends, at least one blood traitor,” Regulus said with a wink. 

“I’ll see what I can do,” Sirius smiled. 

***

James smiled as another boy entered the compartment.

“First year?” James asked, for the other boy looked around his age and also quite lost, though he was trying to hide it. 

“Yeah. You?” 

James nodded. “James Potter.” 

“Sirius Black.” Sirius held out a hand and James shook it. There was a strange joy in his chest as he clasped it. He adjusted his kippah as he sat down, suddenly anxious for what to do with his hands.

James wondered if this boy was part of the pureblood family by the same name, but thought probably not if he was willingly befriending a Potter. He did kind of look like one of those Blacks, though, with East Asian features and sleek black hair falling to his chin, not to mention the posh accent. Sirius sat down on the seat across from James.

“Yes, those Blacks,” he grinned and James couldn’t help but match it. “You’re one of those Potters?”

“Yeah, Monty is my dad. Fleamont.” 

Sirius nodded. “I’ve heard of him.”

“Should you be talking to me?” James asked, confused by Sirius’s apparent installation in the compartment now that they knew each other’s families. 

He knew the Black family’s position on blood purity quite well and fully expected one to reject his friendship outright, even for a train companion. He was pureblood — both his parents were magical and his grandparents as well — but they were quite vocal about the ridiculous notion of blood supremacy and had earned the label “blood traitors”, which Mum and Dad wore proudly. 

“Not bothered,” Sirius waved a hand dismissively. “My mother and I don’t see eye to eye on these things. And you seem cool.”

James smiled again. “You seem alright yourself.”

Again, that joy ricocheted in his chest. It felt as though it was bouncing back at him, a new friendship formed, a new chapter of his life beginning.

***

Sirius followed James into the dorm room marked ‘Black, Lupin, Pettigrew, Potter’ and fell into the first bed he saw with a sigh of contentment. The feast had been absolutely everything he’d ever wanted but he was exhausted.

There had been all sorts of meats and potatoes and even the vegetables had tasted good. The desserts had been the best things he’d ever tasted, even at those fancy parties his parents had dragged him to, and he had eaten until he was sick. 

But even all of that food paled in comparison to his sorting. 

He had been one of the first ones to be sorted as it was done in alphabetical order, and the hat had hummed curiously in his ears as it dropped over his eyes. After a moment, it had called out “Gryffindor!” and Sirius had grinned wider than he thought he ever had before as he basked in the applause of his new house.

He hopped off the stool, exchanged a grin with James, and took a seat at the Gryffindor table, the first Black to do so in nearly a century. It felt like all of his dreams coming true at once.

James followed him into Gryffindor and they had quickly fallen back into conversation as the sorting continued. James’s neighbour from Godric’s Hollow, Peter Pettigrew, a short, pale, blond boy with very pink cheeks, got sorted into Gryffindor as well just before James, which James was excited about. Peter had sat with his older sister on the train so James excitedly introduced him to Sirius at the table. 

Finally, the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, had made some cryptic remarks about the houses and introduced a new professor taking the role of Defence Against the Dark Arts as the last one had moved to France quite suddenly. Sirius largely spent the speech talking to James and Peter, so he didn’t really follow it, probably wasn’t important. 

And now they were roommates! The three of them had luckily been placed together in one of the first year dormitories with someone called Lupin. 

James took the bed opposite him and Peter claimed the one beside James, leaving the last bed for their as yet unknown fourth roommate. Peter and James both began to unpack their trunks and were chatting when the last boy finally appeared.

He was a tall, thin boy with curly hair and brown skin a shade darker than Sirius but lighter than James, and he didn’t greet any of them as he took in the room. He just took note of the empty bed by the window and crossed to it, dropping his bag before dragging his trunk to the foot of the bed. 

Sirius sat up as James exchanged a look with Peter and then met Sirius’s eyes. Sirius shrugged and James rolled his eyes before crossing to where Lupin was beginning to unpack. 

“Hi! James Potter.” James stuck out his hand and the newcomer straightened and took it cordially.”

“Remus Lupin.” He had a Welsh accent and something about his voice made Sirius cling to each word like it was precious.

“This bed alright? We can move around if you like!” James offered eagerly. 

Remus shrugged and scratched at his forearm. “This one is fine.”

“Great. This is Pete, and that’s Sirius Black.”

“Peter Pettigrew,” Peter greeted with a wave.

“Hi.”

A boy of few words it seemed.

James seemed to accept defeat for the moment and floated back across to his bed, resuming unpacking his trunk. 

Sirius swung his legs over the side of his bed and watched Remus. He felt a certain pull towards the boy, maybe it was just that he was so closed off and Sirius wanted him to open up. He watched him for a moment, studying his body language; his shoulders were hunched in and he kept scratching at his arm through his sleeve. Where Peter and James seemed to broadcast their every emotion, Remus was a blank slate letting nothing show. 

Remus looked at him for a fleeting second, feeling Sirius’s eyes on him, before looking back at his trunk, and Sirius thought he caught a faint shimmer of a scar across his cheek. He reached up and touched his own cheek where that old soulmate scar still shone faintly beneath the powder. Was it the same scar? 

No, he was probably imagining things.

“What?” Remus asked, looking at Sirius again. 

Sirius felt his face heat and turned away. “Nothing.”

“Shall we go down to the common room? Meet the other first years?” James asked the room. 

“Yeah!” Peter agreed quickly. 

“Sure,” Sirius said, rising from the bed. It was certainly better than being caught staring again. 

“I’m going to bed,” Remus said. 

“It’s half eight,” James said with a furrowed brow. 

“I’m tired.” And with that, Remus climbed into the bed, still in his robes, and pulled the curtain shut behind him. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow at James who replied with a shrug. 

“Let’s go, yeah?” James asked, and both of them followed him from the room. Sirius looked back at the closed curtains as he left the dorm room, hoping for a glimpse of Remus, but the bed remained still and silent.

**Author's Note:**

> currently planning to post on Mondays, will let you know if that changes!  
> comments and kudos make my life <3


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